I haven’t written in a little bit and that has been intentional. I thought I better come on and share what is going on with my journey right now.
This picture above represents God’s promise to the world but also, especially to me. The rainbow represents that He will never wipe out the population again like He did in the time of Noah. Now, how does that apply to me? I am not worried that He will wipe me out but I do know that He will keep His promises to me.
So back to where I am right now. For those that have been following my journey, then you would remember that the love of my life, Tom died May 5th, 2021. I have recently passed the 9-month mark and have experienced many firsts without him. As time has moved forward, the way it always does, I have started doubting Papa God’s provision for my future.
Now I am sure you are asking how is that possible? Well, I am a type-A personality and this makes me feel that I need to be doing things to move forward in my future. After writing our story, “The Master’s Symphony” I struggled with thoughts that this is what God was calling me to do. In normal fashion for me, I then took it on myself to start pushing myself to figure out my own future.
See, what I haven’t told you is that my current job is a supplemental income position and since I am alone now, this was causing me to worry and fear. I am sure you can identify with this thinking
Friends, Papa God was so gentle with me and reminded me of His promises to me. The first one was that He had shown me that Tom had done things to take care of me before he died (there is more to this story but I won’t share it now) and secondly, that when I chose to walk away from my unhealthy 1st marriage, He had promised to be my Husband (Isaiah 54:5) and provide for me.
For your Maker is your husband—
the Lord Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
Friends, I trusted Him than when I made the choice to walk away and He was faithful to me, so why was I struggling now when I didn’t choose to lose Tom? Papa has gently reminded me that I can still trust Him in this season of my life.
Also, I have been trying to rush my healing and have realized that there is no time frame for it. I recently started GriefShare and it has reminded me to “Be Still” and wait for God’s timing. Friends, this is something we all need to do. One of the verses that we studied was John 11:35 which says “Jesus wept”. I have read this verse so many times but it really hit me this time.
Jesus knew that He would see His friend again in a matter of moments but He still wept. As He had looked around at all those gathered who were grieving for Lazarus and His own grief, He was overcome with sadness at how evil affects His beloved children. Friends, I am His beloved and have felt this way. Some days I have been so overcome with missing Tom that it has felt overwhelming. I know that I will see him again someday but it doesn’t stop me from grieving him now.
Friends, Papa God has shown me that He is still here and taking care of me so I don’t need to carry the weight of my grief or my future. He has recently shown me that where I am (feeding into high school kids) is exactly where He has wanted me to be for now. So if this is the case, then why should I worry about tomorrow when He tells us in Matthew 6:25-34 (see below) that we don’t need to worry about physical things and definitely not about tomorrow (my future). It tells me to seek Him first.
So back to why I haven’t written lately. Friends, I was allowing myself to feel pressure to accomplish, earn Papa’s love and that is not what He desires from me. He just wants me to live out of His love and care for me. Jesus did it on the cross for me and that’s how Tom loved me too.
Are you living with a sense of earning His love or choosing to claim your Beloved status?
I am His Beloved and so are you!
Thank you for all your prayers and support. I love all of you.
I love how the Message version shares these verses:
Matthew: 25-26 “If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
27-29 “Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
30-33 “If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
34 “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.